On Buying Tampons or Why You Should Have a First Aid Kit

I have a first aid kit in my car. It is bright red and full of the things you see on St. Elsewhere or ER (and about as old as either program). Actually, I do change the bandages out every so often, but I have never had the chance to use most of these tools, except when I slice my finger in the kitchen  or I want my students to listen to their own heartbeats. That’s prefirst aid kittty cool, and kind of scary for them, cause they think their hearts stop every now and then. Back to Health 101 in the classroom.

And everyone should have a first aid kit in the car.

So I read in the newspaper (yes, it’s real paper)  that a first aid kit should have tampons in them because they are just the right size for bullet holes. In people.

So I am going to CVS to see if I can buy some tampons (do they still call them that or something like personal pluggers?  I don’t know but I imagine the conversation might be tricky.

Yes, Ma’am, can I help you?

Well, I need to buy some tampons

Ugh… they’re on that shelf over there.

But I need to know what size to get (and I am imagining a pimply sixteen year old boy whose face is a pretty pink by now)

(no words)

And I’ve been fixed so they’re really not for me (I could show him my scar, kind of runs from my navel on down, well, you know where)..

(still no words)

And they’re really not for me, I just need to know what size to get to put into my first aid kit

(by then, he has crouched down and crawled off to find the manager, I suppose)

HELLO! I’m still here! I think I need a small, medium and a large, do you have those sizes?

(still no answer)

Do you know about bullet sizes? Cause I’m not really sure about how big the bullet holes are and I need to plug them up if I ever need to help anyone so can you help me?

See what I mean? Heaven help me if I ever witness a shooting, but I want to be prepared. Maybe I’ll send Frank to get them. He’s a hunter (but he knows buckshot better than tampons, so maybe not).

 

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How I Learned to Play Strip Poker… And Why I Never Lost

a bunch of teachers are getting together soon to play bunco. it’s stressing me already. the last time i tried to play was in a room full of country clubbers who wore the right clothes, said the right things and actually won money ($2 a hand). i lost. and felt nauseated the whole time.

and then there’s this game called bridge where you have to remember the cards you have played. really? who does that? and the only trump i have ever known- well, read about, is the one with floppy hair. and his picture reminds me of cards. and more.

but I do love to play shanghai! best done late night at the beach with my wonderful sisters and sisters in-law, trump and cardand a large pina colada. lots of ice cream. i usually lose but we laugh and laugh. and then mary nearly falls asleep and julie puts her head down on the table and mary beats us all. but that’s okay. i still love her. and julie who makes the best  ice cream drinks for grownups.

i love my brothers too. they introduced me to strip poker a long, long time ago. at least i’m pretty sure they did, unless it’s one of those repressed memories that someone planted in my brain. no……… this was real. i remember they told me to wear lots of barrettes and bobby pins and lots of clothes over my summer clothes so i wouldn’t lose anything necessary. to keep my dignity.  my word not theirs. hey i was young and chubby. and their sister. who tagged along so I wouldn’t tell, most likely.

so i did and i don’t ever remember losing a single piece of clothing. ever. so that’s winning, right?

How to Pee in a Cup Without Really Trying or Why I like My Annual Physical

Today I had my annual physical. It was really nice. No, really! My doctor talks to me and I talk to her and tell her what’s bothering me why are my toes so bumpy like that? Oh, that’s from getting older, your bones are changing you don’t wear tight shoes, do you?

What? I’m getting older? Why didn’t anybody tell me? Geesh. But I do have lumpy toelumpy toess. They look like this.

So I guess the fact that I am now only 5 feet 1 inch tall means the bones are changing around. Oh so that’s why my toes are lumpy! It’s all going to my feet. Yeah right.

The physical ended with my having to pee in a cup. I could do this with my eyes closed, and I might have done that except every time I got near that toilet it flushed real loud and kind of scared me, so I had to be quick about it. Pee fast, put the jar- where?  Oh no, no instructions on where to put the little jar. I looked to the right and read the instructions on the wall- it does not tell me!

And not only that, but SOMEONE left their cup on the sink!!! EEEW! So I had to get instructions.

Uh can you tell me where to put this little cup cause I see two cups in there and they are in two different places and I don’t know what to do! I really did say that.

Do you see that little tray, kind of blue green with a paper towel in it? You can put it in there, honey.

I love my doctor’s office. They always have answers to my questions.

Oh the fine art of putting pee in a cup! The lady that was waiting to use the bathroom smiled and then laughed. Bet she didn’t leave hers on the sink.

The Banana or How I almost Lost my Big Toe

I have a relationship with bananas. I buy them almost every week because, let me think…. well, because they taste good. And I am supposed to eat fruit (I read that somewhere). Sometimes I just look at them and forget to put one in my lunchbox. Or one the next day. And then the banana starts to smell but it really isn’t an unpleasant smell just a very bananany smell. And then they go into the fridge and then the fridge starts smelling like bananas. Can’t seem to throw the things away. So then they go into the freezer. And that is where the danger comes in. Because bananas are dangerous when they have been frozen and you open the freezer door and there are so many that they fall out and land on your big toe. So you have to be very dexterous and move quickly, like a ninja or POWIE! there goes your big toe.

I had a banana in my classroom fridge at school, too. The fridge smelled so good. But bottled water and bananas maybe not so good a mix. So I put the banana in the trash can. Sigh.

I told the custodian at school where it was in case she wanted to know. I told her I have a relationship with bananas and she said you need to leave that relationship behind and I said I know but if you find any bananas down the hall, you’ll let me know right?banana-621516_1280

The Incident Which Began at Home and Ended at School or How to Scare an Old Lady Permanently

2:30 PM Frank is at home. The phone rings. Caller ID says number is 704-534-0863.

A very gruff, loud, threatening voice tells him that this is the warrant office and we need to speak to your wife. It sounds serious. Won’t divulge information. Frank calls me at school, tells me the phone number. I call back.

The voice says that I have missed my jury duty and that there is a warrant out for my arrest. I am terrified.

But I’ve never missed sitting on a jury! I never even got a letter! (and there is a house around the corner with the same five digit number so what if they got my letter cause they could’ve and we get each other’s mail all the time. I feel sick.

The voice tells me what to do. Do you have a pencil? Write this down (I’m a teacher, what does he think? that we still use stone tablets? Of course I have a pencil and sticky notes and I even had one on my shoe today). I comply and begin to write the codes he gives me.

They are codes he has made up. I google one of those codes and the phone number as we are speaking. None of the numbers under The Charlotte Mecklenburg Police match his number. The codes are acronyms for businesses.Of course.

Do bells go off in my head? Nope. He begins to wear me down with his threats.

Do I hang up? Nope. I gotta’ see how this is going to end. But I am scared. He knows my name, address, and now my cell phone number.

The requests become stranger. All of a sudden it is not about a court date We can set you up with a court date in about 2 to 3 weeks wait let me talk to the judge (I know this is not true but I do not hang up).

Instead this is what we are going to do I’m going to set you up on our system called NCIC and under no circumstance are you to hang up the phone and we’ll get this straight.

ma’am are you alright?

And then this is what you owe are you near a wal mart how far are you from your bank do not turn the phone off but keep it on when you go to the bank and i say how much do i owe in court fees and are you freakin’ kiddin me I didn’t do anything wrong and THIS ISNT LOGICAL and why would i get money out of the bank to pay court fees when i don’t have a court date

what did you say? $939?

and this is how the scam works. They wear you down. confuse you. and wait for you to go to the bank so they can meet you there i guess.

I put my cell phone on mute. Call Frank. My hands are shaking is this real? how can you find out? and I know it isn’t but I need another voice to tell me and he calls back NO NO NO It’S A FRAUD and i say F-R-A-U-D? because i want to be sure i have heard it right.

Turn the phone off now and don’t turn it back on I called the police and it is a fraud. Go to your meeting.

I do.

the voice calls again at home. Frank tells him he has been in contact with the police. hang up. No calls since then.

Moral of the story: always listen to your gut. ask questions. Besides, if I had missed jury duty, they wouldn’t call, they would just pick me up. at school. Field trip, class! just kidding.

I love Mondays. yeah right

An Old People’s Bed or How to Get Out of Bed Easier in the Morning

A little more than a month ago, my hubbie and I went to the furniture store to look at sofas. Our living room sofa is starting to show some age so we thought we would go looking. That’s the thing about these huge stores- there is so much other stuff in them than just sofas! Kind of like candy right at the checkout, only the checkout is is all over the store.

Well, we didn’t get the sofa because we went right past the sofas (oh, we sat on a few) and starting trying out beds. Why? I asked him, do we need a new bed? And then he says Do you remember you said you would like one of those split beds like we see on TV? And I said really? I said that? Well, yeah, but I mean when we get old. We’re not that old yet!

And then he confesses that he has been watching the TV in our bedroom all these years with the bed’s pole splitting the screen in two. And I am tired of shutting one eye to watch my TV programs and I am thinking I shut both my eyes to watch some of that stuff, but that’s another story.

So now we need a new bed and new mattress? Did I hear that right?

Oh and a dresser because if you buy the bed, your dresser has to match.Sigh.

So we got it all. And here’s the lowdown on split beds, the kind that has two twin size mattresses and two remotes. I HAVE MY OWN REMOTE! (Now that makes two I am allowed to touch; I get to use the one for the fireplace, too). I love that, except one night we accidentally switched them and Frank accused me of trying to catapult him from bed. It was an honest mistake. Really.

Advantage 1:The bed is lower to the ground than many beds so it is easier to get in and out of.

Advantage 2: I can finally read in bed (by raising the head using my remote) and not have to worry about falling in the space between the headboard and the mattress. I almost got lost down there one time.

Advantage 3: The feet raise up and there is a vibration button, too. But don’t get too excited ladies. And do not use that button unless your cat has already has his nails trimmed because he does not like that vibration and it can be dangerous to your skin!

Disadvantage 1: You have to go buy new fitted sheets (twin, extra-long) to fit the bed. You can use king size flat sheets, but a queen size spread works best.

Disadvantage 2: You must be in really good shape to make up the bed because you have to be a gymnast just to tuck the fitted sheets in. I know. I am now qualified to compete in any bed making sport.  Well maybe not any one, but you know what I mean. And forget about mitered corners. The sheet just kinds of hangs there.

Disadvantage 3: In order to snuggle, you must have both beds in the same position or there could be confusion about who should be where. Uh, enough said.

At least the people in the bed on TV look young, so maybe this isn’t an old people’s bed after all, just a temporary 60 month no interest diversion. Until we go again to that big store with the welcoming sign.  Hey didn’t you say we needed a new rug? coffee table? Honey? 

rule #1

potting jan 2015Rule #1    always plant the pansies and other winter flowers when your husband buys them for you (well, within a reasonable amount of time)

Rule #2   scratch rule #1 if you don’t like the pansies and other flowers your husband bought you or you have just been too darn busy

Rule #3   go find other plants that you do like

Rule #4   when you find those plants, put them in the flowerbox (or designated spot) as soon as possible

Rule #5   scratch rule #4 if the temperature in the last couple of days has been cold. really cold. like here.

Rule #6   scratch all the d*** rules because the dirt is frozen and now you have to defrost the whole blooming thing by running warm water over the pot and the plants and you have to wait for them to defrost